This post is going to start off a little different. I want to take a moment to explain what started these “Life’s Weird” posts. I’ll get back on track after a quick summary.
I didn’t really plan this Life’s Weird series out. To be honest, I still don’t have a plan for it. I have no idea how many “Life’s Weird” posts there will end up being. I have no idea what the next one will be about. I have no idea when I’ll get the next one written.
My only goal when starting this was to share the truth on what’s going on in my life and how it affects me. I don’t believe I’m that intelligent, I don’t think I’m particularly well spoken, I’m certainly not in great shape, I’m just an average guy… maybe a big nerd, but overall fairly normal.
My qualifications for sharing any type of life advice are nonexistent. I’m totally aware of that, and I want to make sure it’s very clear that is not my intention for writing these posts.
I don’t believe anything I write will be groundbreaking, some of my writing may not even make sense, but I feel as though God is asking me to share a few of my thoughts anyway. I really can’t explain why I feel as though God is asking me to do so, but it is how I feel. My only guess is that someone needs help and God is asking me to help them by sharing my journey. That somehow, my words will help provide them with some comfort, even if it’s just simply being aware that they’re not alone.
That’s why I’m writing. It’s not about me, I’m just sharing my journey because I feel as though I am being asked to.
I have a confession. I’m a huge people watcher.
I’m definitely an introvert and I love to be in my own quiet areas, but people fascinate me. I really don’t enjoy being in crowded areas at all, it stresses me out – but a quiet bench several yards away, that’s my spot. I can only assume I often look like the creepy guy who just stares, but sometimes I can’t help it. I find people amazing.
It’s amazing to see how people react to things around them when they think they’re alone versus when they know other people are with them. It’s amazing to see how people react to things out of their control. It’s amazing to see what one person does when they’re surprised by something versus how another person reacts. It’s amazing to see how different two people can be in the way they look, yet how similar they are in the way the act. I really enjoy just watching people and I appreciate how different we all are, yet how connected we are at the same time.
While we all are very different, one thing that connects us is fear. We all understand what fear is and how it feels to be truly afraid.
A lot of things scare me. Some are normal and rational fears, but most are completely random and have absolutely no real reason to ever cross my mind. My last few weeks have consisted of the normal rational fears. The type of fears you know there’s a chance you’ll have to face at some point in your life, you just hope to be ready for it when it happens.
Things I now know…
- Waking up in the hospital is scary.
- Not being able to remember anything of what happened is scary.
- Hearing words that you don’t fully understand, and can’t comprehend at that moment because your mind feels off, is scary.
- Hearing your brain was scanned, which you don’t remember happening, and they saw things that concern them is scary.
- Being sent home and told to relax and recover is comforting. It means they’re really not worried about you health wise, but having to try to relax, recover and wait to learn more is difficult and at times scary.
- Not knowing what is really going on, still not being able to remember anything of what really happened, and days later still not being able to fully process what is going on around you is terrifying.
For me, the unknown during the waiting game was/is the worst part. There was a lot of time to just sit and think. To think about all the scary words that I may have to hear soon. The words I feared most, the ones I really don’t even understand, began to pop up more frequently as the days went by. During the day I could distract myself, but at night they’d come back as I tried to fall asleep. They’d keep me awake for hours. I’d finally fall asleep, but the same words would be in my dreams. I’d wake up still thinking about them, unable to truly tell if I had even fallen asleep in the first place.
After a few days, the fear became normal. It didn’t go away, but the way it felt changed. Yes, it was still scary but it actually became more of an annoyance than a fear. It reminded me of a dull pain, I would completely forget about it for a while, but then it would pop up again just to remind me that it’s still around.
With that all being said, it wasn’t a bad experience. It sounds much worse than it really was. While that is the truth of what was happening, it isn’t an accurate description of how it affected me.
Despite all of what I mentioned, despite the fear that I couldn’t keep out of my head, it wasn’t what was on my mind the most. The things that have been on mind the most are all positive, and that’s been an amazing blessing that has been given to me.
Even in the hospital, before I knew what was going on, I already felt incredibly lucky, loved and blessed by God. One of my first thoughts I can remember is being incredibly thankful for everything that had happened both that day and even years before. I was thankful for my wife, for our family, for those who were able to help me when I needed it, for all our amazing friends and for so much more. My mind was completely filled with positive, comforting thoughts — and I don’t get credit for that, it wasn’t my choice, it was a gift given to me when I needed it. That gift helped me from the beginning and continues to help me each day.
Moving off of how it affected me and back onto the what happened part of the post.
Fear is a very weird part of life.
“For me, the unknown during the waiting game was/is the worst part. There was a lot of time to just sit and think. To think about all the scary words that I may have to hear soon.”
After several days and several more scans, it was time to walk back into the hospital and meet with my neurosurgeon. Time to learn if any of my recent fears are rational. Time to discover if the words that scare me most are worth fearing.
Walking into the hospital was a weird feeling, a combination of fear, excitement and comfort. Fear: scared to hear the words. Excitement: ready to hear the words no matter what they were. Comfort: knowing I’ll have some answers soon.
The words I was most afraid of and scared to hear: Brain Tumor and Cancer. The words I heard, Brain Tumor and possible Cancer.
Life’s weird – thinking of those words was scary, actually hearing them wasn’t. It wasn’t even a big deal. (Full update on what all this actually means will be published soon. Done, check it out here.)
Featured image: San Francisco, California. (Life’s Weird – Part 4)