Life’s Weird – Part 5

Back in Part 3, I mentioned that the unknown of what’s going on and waiting to learn more is the worst part of all of this. Well, round 2 of the waiting game isn’t any easier. I truly thought it was going to be easier, after all, I at least had some answers this time. Well, I was wrong. The waiting game is still awful.

A little over a week ago, I had my first brain surgery. It was just a small biopsy and the whole experience was absolutely fascinating. The biopsy went very well and I was able to go home the very next day. It was all amazingly painless (seriously, no painkillers needed) and recovery was/is simple.

The only bad part: no updates on the results for a week and a half.

Good News: The wait is almost over!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BMAn3H_gkov/?taken-by=wester_brad

Life’s weird – I never would have guessed I’d be this excited to hear potentially scary news. Like I said in part 3 and again today, waiting really is the worst part.

Earlier tonight I was talking with a good friend about this exact thing. It was just a normal and honest conversation, but I believe it’s worth sharing. I didn’t ask his permission to share it (sorry buddy), so I’m leaving the details out. (This part of the post may not mean anything to you, but I believe I’m being asked to write it for someone.)

Yes, the waiting is the worst part – but it still isn’t that bad.

Friend: “How are you holding up?”

Brad: “Doing well. Ready for tomorrow (appointment is scheduled for 12:45 PM).”

Friend: “You’ve handled this waiting (word not needed) way better than I ever could.”

Brad: “Some moments are better than others. I get stressed out over it, but then I just remind myself that it’s not so bad. I’m much better off waiting and walking into the hospital than those who are being rushed in by ambulance right now. My ability to wait is a blessing itself.”

…wait. What did I just say? Did I really just say that? That’s not normal. I didn’t even think it through before sending it. I’m really not that intelligent or well spoken. So how did that just come out? Here’s my guess…

Mark 13:11 — “…when the time comes, say whatever is then given to you. For the words you speak will not be yours; they will come from the Holy Spirit.”

God has definitely supported and helped me through all of the craziness that has happened in the last few weeks. Looking back, I’m even able to see how God started to prepare me for this journey several years ago and God continues to help me each day.

So, what’s my point in sharing this with you?

We all have things that worry us each day. We are all up against something that’s stressing us out right now. No matter what it is, you’re not in it alone. Whatever it is you’re fighting, you’re strong enough to get through it. You may be unsure about what to do, you may not feel strong enough, you may be fearful that you’ll make the wrong decisions or say the wrong things – you won’t. Trust in God and say, or do, whatever is given to you.

Featured image: Napa Valley, California. (Life’s Weird – Part 6)

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Life’s Weird – Part 4

Get the kids out of the room. Here come some bad words.

I don’t yell very often. I’d say I rarely yell, and when I do it’s not even really yelling. It’s not that I think I’m somehow above it, I’m definitely not. I’m just really bad at it, so I try not to. When I do yell, I just get slightly louder than normal with a frustrated tone, often using the wrong words and not making any sense at all …always proud moments for me.

The last few weeks have been crazy, and I now I need to yell.

Hey, Blue Apron. Fuck you.

Stop sending me your shit and officially let me know that I’ve actually canceled my account this time. Your overpriced food is convenient and usually pretty good, but I don’t want it! I liked the idea at first, it was great to try new recipes, but I don’t want it every week. And to avoid the weekly delivery, I have to go on your website and choose to skip the following week’s delivery. I’m glad I can do that for several weeks in advanced, but eventually, I forget to check the date and then, BAM, I get an email saying a bunch of food I didn’t order will arrive tomorrow — usually right after I go to the store and buy a week’s worth of food. And you know what, the worst part of the surprise delivery is that I appreciate the business model behind it. Seriously, fuck you. You’re really good at what you do, and that makes it’s even more annoying.

Yes, you heard me. You’re really fucking good at what you do. I admit it. That being said, you have problems. Here are a few quick things I’ve noticed.

Your recipes come with the estimated amount of time it takes to cook each meal. Fucking double it. I’ve never been able to come close to the numbers you put down.

Maybe I’m just a bad cook and don’t understand what I’m doing, but your instructions are confusing as hell. If I were sitting in a quiet room with just 2 things in front of me — 1 being your single page instructions on how to cook a simple hamburger and the other being a very large book on how to fly a space shuttle to the moon — I’m certain dinner that night would end up consisting of splitting BBQ spare ribs with Harry Caray. It would just be easier to do.

Now that takes me to last night.

First off, you forgot to include the cooking instructions in the surprise delivery this week. It just wasn’t in the box. That type of thing will happen from time to time, and you’re even prepared for it. I was able to pull up my delivery history and get all info right from my phone. Good work — except somehow it’s even more confusing to read online because you put links to your other meals / wines / cooking tips / etc. all right next to it. It get’s overwhelming and that pushed me over the edge last night and I still don’t forgive you.

My wife had a rough day yesterday and my one goal was to make a nice dinner for her to end a long day. I couldn’t do that for her – and it’s your fault.

Not really, but I’m blaming you anyway. No, it’s not fair for me to do that, but I don’t give a shit. It’s payback for all the times you’ve made me feel like a complete moron with your difficult to understand cooking instructions.

Sorry Blue Apron, you don’t deserve this – but fuck off.

Clearly, Blue Apron isn’t at fault for last nights frustrations. It’s me, well kind of – really it’s the brain tumor that I first mentioned a few days ago. It’s located on my left temporal lobe and is adding pressure onto two parts of my brain. Those two parts impact my ability to read and process words – not all the type, but sometimes. That means my writing is slower, my proofreading less accurate, at times I may use the wrong words and won’t even notice or I may not be able to remember a simple everyday word. Most annoyingly, I won’t be able to say a good friend’s name from time to time. So if that happens, I apologize. I still know exactly who you are, I just may not be able to actually say your name for a little bit.

It all sounds worse than it really is. Yes, it is frustrating and annoying, but it isn’t that big of a deal. All of it comes back. I’m not forgetting anything or anyone. I just can’t always get the correct words out when I want to. Or, in the case of last night, connect words together to understand what I’m actually reading. It all comes back, it just requires patience — and a sense of humor.

Life’s weird – sometimes I think I’m about to completely lose it and yell, but I end up just laughing instead. Again, I don’t take credit for that – but I sure do appreciate it when it happens.

Oh, and sorry again to Blue Apron. They’re good people and worth checking out if you dislike planning meals for each week. I just needed to throw an irrational fit for a moment.

Featured image: Lombard Street, San Francisco, California. (Life’s Weird – Part 5)

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Life’s Weird – Part 3

This post is going to start off a little different. I want to take a moment to explain what started these “Life’s Weird” posts. I’ll get back on track after a quick summary.

I didn’t really plan this Life’s Weird series out. To be honest, I still don’t have a plan for it. I have no idea how many “Life’s Weird” posts there will end up being. I have no idea what the next one will be about. I have no idea when I’ll get the next one written.

My only goal when starting this was to share the truth on what’s going on in my life and how it affects me. I don’t believe I’m that intelligent, I don’t think I’m particularly well spoken, I’m certainly not in great shape, I’m just an average guy… maybe a big nerd, but overall fairly normal.

My qualifications for sharing any type of life advice are nonexistent. I’m totally aware of that, and I want to make sure it’s very clear that is not my intention for writing these posts.

I don’t believe anything I write will be groundbreaking, some of my writing may not even make sense, but I feel as though God is asking me to share a few of my thoughts anyway. I really can’t explain why I feel as though God is asking me to do so, but it is how I feel. My only guess is that someone needs help and God is asking me to help them by sharing my journey. That somehow, my words will help provide them with some comfort, even if it’s just simply being aware that they’re not alone.

That’s why I’m writing. It’s not about me, I’m just sharing my journey because I feel as though I am being asked to.

I have a confession. I’m a huge people watcher.

I’m definitely an introvert and I love to be in my own quiet areas, but people fascinate me. I really don’t enjoy being in crowded areas at all, it stresses me out – but a quiet bench several yards away, that’s my spot. I can only assume I often look like the creepy guy who just stares, but sometimes I can’t help it. I find people amazing.

It’s amazing to see how people react to things around them when they think they’re alone versus when they know other people are with them. It’s amazing to see how people react to things out of their control. It’s amazing to see what one person does when they’re surprised by something versus how another person reacts. It’s amazing to see how different two people can be in the way they look, yet how similar they are in the way the act. I really enjoy just watching people and I appreciate how different we all are, yet how connected we are at the same time.

While we all are very different, one thing that connects us is fear. We all understand what fear is and how it feels to be truly afraid.

A lot of things scare me. Some are normal and rational fears, but most are completely random and have absolutely no real reason to ever cross my mind. My last few weeks have consisted of the normal rational fears. The type of fears you know there’s a chance you’ll have to face at some point in your life, you just hope to be ready for it when it happens.

Things I now know…

  • Waking up in the hospital is scary.
  • Not being able to remember anything of what happened is scary.
  • Hearing words that you don’t fully understand, and can’t comprehend at that moment because your mind feels off, is scary.
  • Hearing your brain was scanned, which you don’t remember happening, and they saw things that concern them is scary.
  • Being sent home and told to relax and recover is comforting. It means they’re really not worried about you health wise, but having to try to relax, recover and wait to learn more is difficult and at times scary.
  • Not knowing what is really going on, still not being able to remember anything of what really happened, and days later still not being able to fully process what is going on around you is terrifying.

For me, the unknown during the waiting game was/is the worst part. There was a lot of time to just sit and think. To think about all the scary words that I may have to hear soon. The words I feared most, the ones I really don’t even understand, began to pop up more frequently as the days went by. During the day I could distract myself, but at night they’d come back as I tried to fall asleep. They’d keep me awake for hours. I’d finally fall asleep, but the same words would be in my dreams. I’d wake up still thinking about them, unable to truly tell if I had even fallen asleep in the first place.

After a few days, the fear became normal. It didn’t go away, but the way it felt changed. Yes, it was still scary but it actually became more of an annoyance than a fear. It reminded me of a dull pain, I would completely forget about it for a while, but then it would pop up again just to remind me that it’s still around.

With that all being said, it wasn’t a bad experience. It sounds much worse than it really was. While that is the truth of what was happening, it isn’t an accurate description of how it affected me.

Despite all of what I mentioned, despite the fear that I couldn’t keep out of my head, it wasn’t what was on my mind the most. The things that have been on mind the most are all positive, and that’s been an amazing blessing that has been given to me.

Even in the hospital, before I knew what was going on, I already felt incredibly lucky, loved and blessed by God. One of my first thoughts I can remember is being incredibly thankful for everything that had happened both that day and even years before. I was thankful for my wife, for our family, for those who were able to help me when I needed it, for all our amazing friends and for so much more. My mind was completely filled with positive, comforting thoughts — and I don’t get credit for that, it wasn’t my choice, it was a gift given to me when I needed it. That gift helped me from the beginning and continues to help me each day.

Moving off of how it affected me and back onto the what happened part of the post.

Fear is a very weird part of life.

“For me, the unknown during the waiting game was/is the worst part. There was a lot of time to just sit and think. To think about all the scary words that I may have to hear soon.”

After several days and several more scans, it was time to walk back into the hospital and meet with my neurosurgeon. Time to learn if any of my recent fears are rational. Time to discover if the words that scare me most are worth fearing.

Walking into the hospital was a weird feeling, a combination of fear, excitement and comfort. Fear: scared to hear the words. Excitement: ready to hear the words no matter what they were. Comfort: knowing I’ll have some answers soon.

The words I was most afraid of and scared to hear: Brain Tumor and Cancer. The words I heard, Brain Tumor and possible Cancer.

Life’s weird – thinking of those words was scary, actually hearing them wasn’t. It wasn’t even a big deal. (Full update on what all this actually means will be published soon. Done, check it out here.)

Featured image: San Francisco, California. (Life’s Weird – Part 4)

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Life’s Weird – Part 2

It’s amazing how easy it is for me to get stuck in a rut after a while. It’s not difficult for me to spend an entire week with each day feeling basically the same. Wake up, get ready for work, drive to work, work on the same project as the day before and then head home. The next day starting and ending with similar occurrences, leaving me with similar feelings. And I don’t mean in a bad way, just the same.

The weird part is no day is ever the same. I’ll never experience the same day twice, none of us will, but our mind can sometimes make us feel as though we do – or at least mine does.

Today was one of those days.

I got out of bed at the same time I do every Monday. Another week starting the same way. Another day starting earlier than I’d like. Another day getting ready as politely and quietly as I can – my wife and I aren’t morning people.

Except today was different.

The next step is usually a quick kiss goodbye and a walk out to my truck to leave just a few minutes before her. But today there was no kiss goodbye. Today we walked out the front door together, we both got in her car and we left to go to her work at the hospital – except today wasn’t work, we were headed to my first MRI. It’s amazing that somehow this felt normal, like the everyday routine, and I am blessed that it did. It made today so much easier.

Life’s weird – that routine feeling that often annoyed me just months ago is what made today so much better.

Featured image: South Beach, Point Reyes National Seashore, California. (Life’s Weird – Part 3)

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Life’s Weird – Part 1

I started this version of bradwester.com roughly 8 months ago. It is amazing how much can change in that amount of time. I’ve tried to share some of the changes along the way, but sometimes it’s difficult to really notice them as they’re happening.

I started this site just for me, and it remains that way. It is an easy place to write, it is impossible to lose like a notebook and I can always write a few notes down no matter where I am – even if it’s just through my phone. My idea was simple, just write things down now and then. Keep track of how things I enjoy and things I don’t and figure out more about myself — how can I be happier, how can I be nicer, what inspires me, what makes me a better person, etc.

I’m a digital marketing nerd, so I decided to attack self-awareness the way I attack most things – build a website, create content and write for your audience (which in this case is really just me). I decided to share my thoughts along the way publically. Ideally, I hope my thoughts can help someone else in some way – but if not that’s okay. It is still easier to write about my nerdy thoughts than it is to annoy all my friends by talking about them all the time.

So, here we are, roughly 8 months later.

If you would have asked me what has changed and what I’ve learned a few weeks ago, I would have said not much. But honestly, that’s not true. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few months and maybe even changed a little along the way.

One thing that has been on my mind a lot the last few weeks is God. In previous posts, I’ve mentioned that I went on a retreat several months ago. You may remember me mentioning that I really didn’t want to go, and to be honest I almost didn’t show up that morning when it started. I left the weekend retreat feeling better about my faith, but far from strongly. The only thing I agreed to was to be open to what God may want from me. That led me to agree to be on the team to host the next weekend retreat – which just finished up a few weeks ago.

I can honestly say that just simply saying yes was the best thing I could have done.

Life’s weird – sometimes I’ll be asked to do something I really don’t want to do, but it will end up being the thing I need most.

Featured image from Point Reyes National Seashore, California. The world is a beautiful place. (Life’s Weird – Part 2)

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