Get the kids out of the room. Here come some bad words.
I don’t yell very often. I’d say I rarely yell, and when I do it’s not even really yelling. It’s not that I think I’m somehow above it, I’m definitely not. I’m just really bad at it, so I try not to. When I do yell, I just get slightly louder than normal with a frustrated tone, often using the wrong words and not making any sense at all …always proud moments for me.
The last few weeks have been crazy, and I now I need to yell.
Hey, Blue Apron. Fuck you.
Stop sending me your shit and officially let me know that I’ve actually canceled my account this time. Your overpriced food is convenient and usually pretty good, but I don’t want it! I liked the idea at first, it was great to try new recipes, but I don’t want it every week. And to avoid the weekly delivery, I have to go on your website and choose to skip the following week’s delivery. I’m glad I can do that for several weeks in advanced, but eventually, I forget to check the date and then, BAM, I get an email saying a bunch of food I didn’t order will arrive tomorrow — usually right after I go to the store and buy a week’s worth of food. And you know what, the worst part of the surprise delivery is that I appreciate the business model behind it. Seriously, fuck you. You’re really good at what you do, and that makes it’s even more annoying.
Yes, you heard me. You’re really fucking good at what you do. I admit it. That being said, you have problems. Here are a few quick things I’ve noticed.
Your recipes come with the estimated amount of time it takes to cook each meal. Fucking double it. I’ve never been able to come close to the numbers you put down.
Maybe I’m just a bad cook and don’t understand what I’m doing, but your instructions are confusing as hell. If I were sitting in a quiet room with just 2 things in front of me — 1 being your single page instructions on how to cook a simple hamburger and the other being a very large book on how to fly a space shuttle to the moon — I’m certain dinner that night would end up consisting of splitting BBQ spare ribs with Harry Caray. It would just be easier to do.
Now that takes me to last night.
First off, you forgot to include the cooking instructions in the surprise delivery this week. It just wasn’t in the box. That type of thing will happen from time to time, and you’re even prepared for it. I was able to pull up my delivery history and get all info right from my phone. Good work — except somehow it’s even more confusing to read online because you put links to your other meals / wines / cooking tips / etc. all right next to it. It get’s overwhelming and that pushed me over the edge last night and I still don’t forgive you.
My wife had a rough day yesterday and my one goal was to make a nice dinner for her to end a long day. I couldn’t do that for her – and it’s your fault.
Not really, but I’m blaming you anyway. No, it’s not fair for me to do that, but I don’t give a shit. It’s payback for all the times you’ve made me feel like a complete moron with your difficult to understand cooking instructions.
Sorry Blue Apron, you don’t deserve this – but fuck off.
Clearly, Blue Apron isn’t at fault for last nights frustrations. It’s me, well kind of – really it’s the brain tumor that I first mentioned a few days ago. It’s located on my left frontal lobe and is adding pressure onto two parts of my brain. Those two parts impact my ability to read and process words – not all the type, but sometimes. That means my writing is slower, my proofreading less accurate, at times I may use the wrong words and won’t even notice or I may not be able to remember a simple everyday word. Most annoyingly, I won’t be able to say a good friend’s name from time to time. So if that happens, I apologize. I still know exactly who you are, I just may not be able to actually say your name for a little bit.
It all sounds worse than it really is. Yes, it is frustrating and annoying, but it isn’t that big of a deal. All of it comes back. I’m not forgetting anything or anyone. I just can’t always get the correct words out when I want to. Or, in the case of last night, connect words together to understand what I’m actually reading. It all comes back, it just requires patience — and a sense of humor.
Life’s weird – sometimes I think I’m about to completely lose it and yell, but I end up just laughing instead. Again, I don’t take credit for that – but I sure do appreciate it when it happens.
Oh, and sorry again to Blue Apron. They’re good people and worth checking out if you dislike planning meals for each week. I just needed to throw an irrational fit for a moment.
Featured image: Lombard Street, San Francisco, California.