“We lock pain into our minds because we identify with those stories. […] changing your inner dialogue from This is what happened to me to Here is what I learned from this situation will change how the stories of your past feel.” – Sylvester McNutt (Care Package: A Path to Deep Healing).

I am still fighting to change how my story makes me feel.

While the physical pain of my health issues faded during treatment, mental pain has not diminished. The fear of hearing a truly amazing neurosurgeon say that I may only have months to live will forever be burned into my brain.

While it’s easy to forget how bad the physical pain was, it’s impossible to forget the emotional pain of waiting months for a diagnosis; not knowing what was going on and if it would be treatable.

It’s impossible to forget the feeling of worthlessness that grew stronger and stronger as I began losing the abilities to help the ones I love. I struggled to even read, slowly losing the ability to tie more than a few words together at a time. Taking several minutes to understand a single sentence. Then trying to remember that sentence while fighting to read the next and piece those thoughts together. Full paragraphs were a loss.

Soon I was unable to even read a full recipe – ending the chance to cook a new meal for my wife in an attempt to thank her for taking care of me. “At least I can still say thank you,” I thought. But even that was a struggle. I often said the wrong words and didn’t even realize it until I was asked what I meant to say, and urged to try again.

While the emotional pain during diagnosis and treatment has been locked into my mind. That time taught me so very much.

I always knew I was lucky to have convinced Nicki to marry me. It quickly became obvious that I have the most amazing wife that has ever existed.

It’s easy to start an unending list of people to thank for being there for me all through that time. It’s easy to quickly start remembering moments of true happiness that arose from the struggle. Like a plant pushing through the dirt just to reach the sun and show its true beauty. There was always true happiness hiding beneath the pain.

So many moments of true happiness arose from the struggle of that time. There is truly an unimaginable number of beautiful, happy moments that came from that time that it is impossible to list them all. It’s been 937 days since I woke up in the hospital, not knowing where I was or why. And not a day goes by that I don’t think of another blessing in my life without even trying to.

Yet, I still struggle.

I still often find myself fighting to sleep at night or hit with overwhelming emotions during the day with no noticeable trigger. In those moments I struggle to rewrite my inner dialogue from This is what happened to me to Here is what I learned to be thankful for; even with an unending number of beautiful moments in my life.

At times, Fear and Pain still appear but they will not win. The story of my past is still being rewritten and is constantly improving. Fear and Pain will only be a few characters in my story. They are not the focus of my story. My story will not be about them.